Today, the sun is out and although it’s still really cold
\nI convinced Mira to let me help her get outside for
\nsome Vitamin D. She was hesitant at first but allowed
\nme to set her up outside for a little bit.<\/p>\n
I actually had Stephen help me get the loveseat outside.
\nWe set it right in the sun. And then we helped his
\nmother get comfortable on it.<\/p>\n
I tucked her into blankets and placed pillows behind
\nher back. And she lounged on the loveseat sitting
\nup with her legs laid out before her. I wanted her
\nto be able to just scoot down if she wanted to lie
\ndown.<\/p>\n
I set a little table next to her and piled it high
\nwith books and water I’d bottled for her.<\/p>\n
Stephen is doing chores nearby in case she gets too
\ncold and wants to go back in.<\/p>\n
This allowed me to write a little as well as
\nhelp Trina and the others with chores.<\/p>\n
Every time I check her she is there on that
\nloveseat bundled up in layers of clothing and blankets
\npiled high her face up towards the sun.<\/p>\n
I think it feels good on her skin.<\/p>\n
I don’t know what’s wrong with Mira. Nobody does.
\nWe assume it’s cancer or something else that
\nis just eating away at her.<\/p>\n
The only thing we can do. That “I” can do. As I have
\ntaken on the responsibility is make her comfortable.<\/p>\n
It’s nice to see that others feel this way too.
\nI see Talyn sneaking things to her. That she’ll eat.
\nShe doesn’t eat much. So when he sees she’s eating
\nsomething he takes his share and makes her take it.<\/p>\n
Stephen allows me to care for his mother but at the
\nend of the day he is still caring for her quite a bit.<\/p>\n
How must he feel? Sad. But a sadness I can’t even
\nbegin to know or understand.<\/p>\n
Watching his mother die. Helplessly. Nothing to be
\ndone. His only family left in this world.<\/p>\n
Most of you out there have dealt with the loss of losing
\nall your blood relatives. And have made new families
\namongst your groups.<\/p>\n
But to be 13 years old? And have to deal with that kind
\nof loss? To watch your mother, the person who gave you
\nlife, slowly die before your eyes?<\/p>\n
I want to protect this boy from this pain. I want to
\nhide him away so he doesn’t have to watch this.<\/p>\n
I want to rip his heart out of his body so he can no longer
\nfeel all the terror and pain and agony he will feel in years
\nto come. Not just with the loss of his last relative.
\nBut just the pain and effort he’s going to have to put
\nforth everyday of the rest of his life in the After.
\nJust to survive.<\/p>\n
My optimism is unavailable to me right now.
\nWatching Mira. I feel ….hopeless.<\/p>\n
There is a part of me that wishes for her to just
\ngo to sleep and die already.<\/p>\n
NOT because I don’t want to care for her. Caring
\nfor her is nothing.<\/p>\n
But because I want to the pain for Stephen. That first
\ninitial throbbing, horrifyingly, almost unbearable hurt
\nto come already. So we can get through it and be done
\nwith it soon as we can.<\/p>\n
But then there is a part of me that is willing to care
\nfor her just like this the rest of MY life just so Stephen
\nwill have her.<\/p>\n
I’m not used to having to deal with so many emotions.
\nI was not an overly emotional woman in the Before.
\nI was able to shut it on and off as I pleased. Dealing with
\nthings strategically and without too much emotion.<\/p>\n
My family was not one filled with emotionally charged
\nconversations or events. I’m not used to all this.<\/p>\n
Just FEELING all the time. Every day.<\/p>\n
Why do I care so much for this woman and this child?
\nI don’t want to! I want to feel nothing! This is too hard!<\/p>\n
And yet. There in the pit of my stomach. Every day.<\/p>\n
I wake up. And it’s still here. The feelings. The emotions.
\nAnd I wish to be able to vomit it up every morning so I can
\ngo through my day without FEELING SO MUCH.<\/p>\n
Sam<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today, the sun is out and although it’s still really cold I convinced Mira to let me help her get outside for some Vitamin D. She was hesitant at first but allowed me to set her up outside for a little bit. I actually had Stephen help me get the loveseat outside. We set it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":50,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-59","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-features","category-still-here"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/59","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=59"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/59\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":60,"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/59\/revisions\/60"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/50"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=59"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=59"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.humanityscar.com\/sentinel\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=59"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}