Aliquam Vitae

Feeling

Today, the sun is out and although it’s still really cold
I convinced Mira to let me help her get outside for
some Vitamin D. She was hesitant at first but allowed
me to set her up outside for a little bit.

I actually had Stephen help me get the loveseat outside.
We set it right in the sun. And then we helped his
mother get comfortable on it.

I tucked her into blankets and placed pillows behind
her back. And she lounged on the loveseat sitting
up with her legs laid out before her. I wanted her
to be able to just scoot down if she wanted to lie
down.

I set a little table next to her and piled it high
with books and water I’d bottled for her.

Stephen is doing chores nearby in case she gets too
cold and wants to go back in.

This allowed me to write a little as well as
help Trina and the others with chores.

Every time I check her she is there on that
loveseat bundled up in layers of clothing and blankets
piled high her face up towards the sun.

I think it feels good on her skin.

I don’t know what’s wrong with Mira. Nobody does.
We assume it’s cancer or something else that
is just eating away at her.

The only thing we can do. That “I” can do. As I have
taken on the responsibility is make her comfortable.

It’s nice to see that others feel this way too.
I see Talyn sneaking things to her. That she’ll eat.
She doesn’t eat much. So when he sees she’s eating
something he takes his share and makes her take it.

Stephen allows me to care for his mother but at the
end of the day he is still caring for her quite a bit.

How must he feel? Sad. But a sadness I can’t even
begin to know or understand.

Watching his mother die. Helplessly. Nothing to be
done. His only family left in this world.

Most of you out there have dealt with the loss of losing
all your blood relatives. And have made new families
amongst your groups.

But to be 13 years old? And have to deal with that kind
of loss? To watch your mother, the person who gave you
life, slowly die before your eyes?

I want to protect this boy from this pain. I want to
hide him away so he doesn’t have to watch this.

I want to rip his heart out of his body so he can no longer
feel all the terror and pain and agony he will feel in years
to come. Not just with the loss of his last relative.
But just the pain and effort he’s going to have to put
forth everyday of the rest of his life in the After.
Just to survive.

My optimism is unavailable to me right now.
Watching Mira. I feel ….hopeless.

There is a part of me that wishes for her to just
go to sleep and die already.

NOT because I don’t want to care for her. Caring
for her is nothing.

But because I want to the pain for Stephen. That first
initial throbbing, horrifyingly, almost unbearable hurt
to come already. So we can get through it and be done
with it soon as we can.

But then there is a part of me that is willing to care
for her just like this the rest of MY life just so Stephen
will have her.

I’m not used to having to deal with so many emotions.
I was not an overly emotional woman in the Before.
I was able to shut it on and off as I pleased. Dealing with
things strategically and without too much emotion.

My family was not one filled with emotionally charged
conversations or events. I’m not used to all this.

Just FEELING all the time. Every day.

Why do I care so much for this woman and this child?
I don’t want to! I want to feel nothing! This is too hard!

And yet. There in the pit of my stomach. Every day.

I wake up. And it’s still here. The feelings. The emotions.
And I wish to be able to vomit it up every morning so I can
go through my day without FEELING SO MUCH.

Sam